THE article "Children as an arts project" (Monday) serves as a valuable reminder to parents that we should love our children unconditionally for who they intrinsically are, regardless of their behaviour or achievements.
The writer David Brooks astutely observes that the trend now is for parents to shower their children with what he aptly terms as "directional love" and "meritocratic affection". He describes the show of parental approval or displeasure as steering kids towards behaviour that parents believe will result in the children's success.
Most parents are guilty of such behaviour modification to a certain degree. While there is nothing wrong with such a parenting style per se, as the upshot is to help children succeed in a competitive world, parents need to pause and reflect on their own motivations.
Parents need to pointedly ask themselves these questions: Is there room for our children to fail, and will we love them less for it? Are we using our child's success to validate our own effectiveness as parents?
As Mr Brooks points out, there are long-term repercussions of practising such merit-based love. It breeds resentment and erodes self-confidence.
These children grow up unable to think for themselves or make their own decisions without wondering if their actions would be sanctioned by their parents.
While it seems well-intentioned, merit-based love is manipulative and robs children of their capacity for self-determination.
Parents need to filter the pragmatic intentions from what true parenting is about - giving our children the space to be their own person and loving them for it, even if they fall short of our ideals.
Marietta Koh (Mrs)
